Wednesday, March 11, 2009


What is your opinion,as an atheist and as a parent(People think i must be a parent at my age) about teens having sex?Should it be permitted? What are the implications and how do you deal with it? This is a question that greeted me when i visited my usual place tonight,am not a party animal but i sometimes pass by Caanan restaurant to meet friends who nicknamed "Dr Kalungi" because of my stand always on many topics and i always present them in an Atheistic view and those who know me sometimes find reasons to smile while listening to me and enjoying their tea,pork,coffee and sometimes wines.

Iam not sure why they nicknamed me so but one guy told me that "its because of my sexual talks" i don't recall when i last came to Canaan restaurant and of course this time,they are the one who invited me for a cup of coffee having known about my hernia surgery,they wanted to make me feel good and loved atleast. Below is my answer to their questions.

I have no kids of my own.I do have a little kid who happens to be my good friend who is now 12 and has visible peach fuzz on his upper lip, and spends a lot of time on the phone talking to girls he likes. He also bragged to me about having hit puberty before his other friends.We really talk much and i love to be trusted by him. In this post,i won't mention the names of this child!.

I know that his parents have talked to him about sex and puberty, because they told me they did.And he was quite open with me about knowing to use condoms,and how he shouldn't go on one-on-one dates until he's 16 years old. (He goes on group outings now-3 guys, and 3 girls, with a chaperon).

Since I have a great relationship with my friend, and he is so open with me,I decided to tell him what I thought. I told him that sex education can teach him all about the plumbing and the biology, but that understanding the emotions and the reality of dating and having a serious relationship is something that can only come with experience.

I told him that in puberty, the hormones rage hard and can cloud judgment,and that,coupled with lack of experience,can lead kids to make bad choices about sex and sexuality,so it's better to wait until the time is right.

I also talked to him about how easy it is to treat girls like objects or things that guys can possess, and how many guys see sex as something you "get" rather than something you share.I wanted him to understand and value girls as people, rather than as objects of gratification. He's too young to really understand, but at least I have him thinking about it.

I told him then, to sum it all up, that there's a difference between "having sex," and "making love." He asked me what the difference was, and I said, "until you know, you aren't ready for either one. And even when you do know, you're still probably not ready."

It was a good talk.I think it was good though mainly because I was honest and open and didn't bullshit him in any way.I didn't preach in any way either. I shared my personal values with him -the values I live by.

And I think values are the key. I live on a a shanty area, surrounded by young poor people. Invariably I see young people who get into a lot of trouble, are very rebellious, do lots of things they shouldn't, and basically just ignore everything their parents ever told them.I also see quite a few young people who are exemplary people, who have strong values and live by them.

I noticed a pattern when talking with these kids. The ones who rebel and get into trouble always speak of their parents only in terms of rules their parents have given them, and typically they mention how their parents don't follow their own advice or rules.

The kids who have values and live by them, however, speak of their parents with examples. They tell me things they've seen or heard their parents do. They never say things like, "my dad tells me not to lie, and one time I saw my dad be honest," no, it's never that overt. It's usually more a case of the kid telling me something about their parents casually, that tells me that their parents have strong values and live by them.

In short, I think the kids I know who are moral and honorable have parents who aren't hypocrites and who lead by example.

I hope something I say here can inspire someone there.


John Powers said...

There is so much I like about what you said to your young friend. First of all that young people are sensible and can engage in conversation.

Something studies show is that kids who receive sex education, taken together as a group, have their first sex when they are older than kids who don't get any sex education. This is important because the initiation of sex at an early age tends to jibe with negative behaviors like not practicing safe sex.

I think you make a very good point about why this might be so: That values chosen are stronger than those imitated.

Adults can help young people form good values by recognizing that young people think hard about their lives-take them seriously. So we can help them choose from alternatives by pointing out consequences of different choices. We can remember what they think they value and take notice when they create something good.

Of course adults should protect children from harm. But one of the best ways to do that is to help children navigate around danger themselves. Values that children prize are not just handed down as law. They are values formed.

I liked that you said that just knowing the difference between "having sex" and "making love" doesn't mean you're ready to make love. Values are difficult and you are candid that when it comes to love, one must alway take care.

Joe Powell said...

Good luck with the blog

garry said...

alot said in you blogger,i have liked all i have read,well just look ou to the skies there is a brighter day for you ,always remember to keep smiling.
Take care and be good.

Namanda said...

I believe parents have forgotten there jobs as parents. First they lie to kids that babied are bought n like. I say tell kids the truth right from the start. Tell them how they acquire AIDS and how they can avoid it. Tell them what love is and basics of love .... My mother never told me anything, had to find out everything on my own and that got me into alot of trouble. I like what i read Micheal. Thumbs up